12 years of teaching, and it turns out I did drink the Dead Poet's Society/Stand and Deliver/Mr. Holland's Opus/Lean on Me/Dangerous Minds Kool-Aid.

People who go into teaching often have some ridiculous, lofty idea of what they are going to accomplish. These people don't last long. I saw it in NYC- people who thought they were going to "save" the kids in their poor Brooklyn neighborhoods, "save" them from their lives. They were usually gone by Christmas.
I believe that TRUE teachers are able to let go of these dream ideas and concentrate on the impact they can have, on doing the best job they can, on trying to teach the students as much as they can- not just about their subjects, but also about life.

But there's a contradiction here.

Because every teacher, when they're having a bad day, when they've been screamed at by a parent, dumped on by administration, trashed on social media by students, when they feel like they've failed in every way possible, not reached that kid, not reached out, not been more accessible, not done that day to 100% tells them one thing to get through that day-

I make a difference.
I make a difference in the lives of my students.
They will remember me.
I have taught them things that not only help them pass the class/the state exam/the essay but will help them be better people, better mothers and fathers, better friends.
I made them think.
I opened them up to things they had never considered before. 

I'm sure most of us would like to imagine that all of our students, if given the opportunity, would do the following as a way to say goodbye.

This is my 12th year teaching. It is my 9th year at my current school. At roughly 100 students per year, that's over 1,200 students over my career. That's 900 at this school alone. That's not including students in clubs I've sponsored, helped at Saturday School, or extracurricular activities, or coached.

And yet...
I gave notice at my school over a month ago because I'm leaving to pursue my PhD in English Literature. And in that month, I keep coming back to that line-

I make a difference.

But what if it's not true? What if the line that every teacher tells themselves to get through the bad spots, is a lie? Something we've sold ourselves on in order to get up and through the next day?
Because over the last month, this is all that I can seem to think of. Because not a single person seems to care that I am leaving.
Maybe I'm as guilty as those quit-before-Christmas teachers with their idealistic notions. Maybe I did drink the Dead Poet's Society/Stand and Deliver/Mr. Holland's Opus/Lean on Me/Dangerous Minds Kool-Aid.
I want to believe that I was a good teacher. I want to believe that my students left my classroom with an abundance of riches they didn't have before. I'm not naive to think that every student left suddenly loving literature. But I like to think that most left with some little part they will always carry with them.

I had a teacher like that. He was my AP English teacher. He was a Marine sniper. A triathlon athelete. A surfer. And the toughest teacher at school. There was a mythos that surrounded him. He made students cry on a regular basis. I thought he was a god. I survived my first three years teaching in a poorly performing Brooklyn school by channeling him. He told our AP class that none of us would score 5s on the exams, but we still better put the work in.
I got a 5 on my exam. And I think he's also a big reason on my I became a teacher.
I was saddened when he retired the year before I returned home to teach at the high school I attended. I would have loved to have been on staff with him.
When I passed him on the street last year, and he said "Hello, Karra", I had a little fangirl meltdown that he would remember me. It'd been 18 years since I took his class.

So I know there are teachers out there that make that sort of difference.

What has made me sad this past month, is the realization that maybe I'm just not one of them.
I'm not the teacher everyone loves. I'm hard. I expect the best from my students. I expect hard work, and effort. I'm not their friend. I don't care who their parents are, or what their last names are. I care about them, and giving them what they need to succeed in life. I care that they learn to THINK. And question. This year in particular (gotta love social media) has been hard as it's been pointed out to me again and again just how much some students don't like me, my class, or my way of teaching.

But again, I got through this year by coming back to-

I make a difference.

Maybe in the end, it doesn't matter if no one will miss me once I'm gone. Maybe the point is not that I made a difference with them, but that they made a difference with me.

I've had students make my day, make my heart break and then swell with pride, make me a better teacher and person.

So maybe I'll end this year feeling as I do now- that no one will miss me in the great cogs of the machine that education is.

But I can tell you that I will miss every one of my students.
I will miss seeing that kid who never reads, asking me for a book to read, and then watching them read it.
I will miss seeing my students grow, from freshmen year when I teach them, through senior year.
I will miss getting to know the quiet kids.
I will miss seeing them walk across the stage at graduation, and knowing what an epic battle it was for some of them.

So to all 1200+ of my students, past and present, I want to say thank you.
Because you made a difference.

Television's Response to Tragedy: A Case Study "Ceuf" Hannibal

These are just my first thoughts, hoping to develop more

I had an exchange the other day on Twitter about "Isaac and Ishmael", The West Wing episode that responded to the September 11th attacks, just weeks after them. The discussion focused on whether or not the episode still stood up after twelve years, or whether it seemed dated in hindsight. Therefore, this topic was fresh in my mind when NBC's Hannibal pulled last week's episode "Ceuf" due to the Boston Marathon bomb attacks.

However, what is interesting to me is not that they pulled the episode, but what they chose to do instead. Bryan Fuller, the executive producer, decided to pull the episode only in the U.S, and instead "cannibalized" it (his words) to create six web episodes that are available on http://www.nbc.com/hannibal/video/ceuf-part-1/n35825/. Each episode is about three minutes long, and focuses on Hannibal Lecter's story. One can assume that the reason Will Graham doesn't appear much is due to the fact that his storyline was the offending one (children are brainwashed into killing their parents). What I find interesting is how this "cannibalized" episode reads. It is a complete story- which is either incredibly good writing, or excellent editing down from a full episode. I also think it's interesting that Fuller would make the decision to cut this episode and release it online versus simply delay it or skip it, as shows have chosen to do in the past.

In 1999, Buffy the Vampire Slayer chose to delay two episodes: "Earshot" which featured a student with a rifle in a bell tower, and "Graduation", which featured a high body count Sunnydale-style, in the wake of the Columbine shootings.
In 2001, The West Wing premiered "Isaac and Ishmael" which was unique at the time for two reasons- for its timely reaction to 9/11 (in fact the first from fictional media) and for the perspective it offered (it presented that perhaps we were not the always right patriotic image that most US media at the time was pushing).
In 2006, in the wake of the Virginia Tech shooting, Bones' episode "Player Under Pressure" was delayed over a year because the plot focused on a death on a college campus.
In 2012, Haven delayed one of their last Season 3 episodes a month after the Newtown school shootings.

Each of these television shows stated in one form or another that they were delaying their episodes because it was not appropriate, or tasteful, to air them in light of the recent tragedy. So, why would Fuller choose to not air the episode in the US, but still release it online? Did he feel the story was so important that fans must see it in order to understand the 25 April episode? Was it a dedication to the storytelling? Or is it a combination of smart marketing research and lip service to the tragedy? I'm cynical, so I would argue the last. By releasing the cut episode online, and prefacing it with a personal intro by Bryan Fuller, I believe he is cashing in on fan interest (perhaps morbid interest) in the episode that was banned. Also, it is hard to see (I've yet to be able to see the episode as it aired in the UK, uncut) how an episode featuring kids as killers, would be sensitive, or on topic enough to pull the episode- further pointing to this move as a ploy.

However, ploy or not, this episode offers some interesting tidbits for analysis, both for the unique space it occupies because of it's timeliness, but also as a microcosm of the show itself. The cutting of Will Graham's part of the story offers a closer look at Hannibal. The web episodes are each roughly 3 minutes and change, with six of them, that's around twenty minutes, or half of a normal 42 minute hour drama minus commercials. This math is worth noting, because while the title of the show is Hannibal, at least the first few episodes ("Apéritif", "Amuse-Bouche", and"Potage") have focused strictly mainly on Will, and Hannibal has been a secondary character, although there are hints, that "Ceuf" definitely points to, that Lecter is growing in influence.
I admit to being stumped (having asked not only my French speaking, foodie sister, but also the Twitterverse) as to what "Ceuf" refers to. It is not a foodie word, or a French word. Yet, all the other episodes have French, food related names. Is the title a slant of oeuf (egg)? If so, who is the egg that will soon mature or come into his/her own- is it Lecter or Abigail Hobbs? Given that she seems set up to possibly act as a protege to Lecter, either reading is worth further exploration.

I hope to expand this, so comments welcome on other episodes that were pulled or altered in response to tragedies, as well as any academic writing on this topic would be appreciated.

The Folkloric Roots of Milton's Satan

Now that PCA/ACA 2013 is over, and I've had some time to breathe, it's time to turn my eye to the next project. I plan on working over the PCA/ACA fairy tale paper and submit it to a couple of places, but there's time for that.
What I'm setting my sights on next though is this:

http://www.mtsu.edu/english/milton/2013MiltonCFP.pdf

This is scary for a few reasons:

1. They didn't take my Loki/Satan paper the last time it was held in 2011. 
2. This is now where I'll be working on my PhD and I don't want to look like a fool
3. This is a big deal

However, I'm risking it. Because of all the reasons above.
Rough intro:

            One of the difficulties faced when analyzing the character of Satan is the choice between the literary character or the folkloric character. Recent scholarship has addressed the idea that Milton’s characterization of Satan in Paradise Lost has become the modern concept of the devil (Knoppers and Semenza). Forsyth has in detail, addressed the origins of the character in both The Satanic Epic and The Old Enemy. However, one issue that I do not believe has received enough attention is how Milton’s characterization of Satan has more basis in folklore than in literature.  One of the problems with this approach is that folklore often falls under the heading of anthropology, while the character of Satan has mainly been analyzed through literature. However, analysis of this issue quickly reveals that in Britain, the character of Satan is deeply rooted in folkloric material. Examining the folkloric roots of Milton's Satan serves to not only give us a clearer understanding of the character, and his importance in the work of Paradise Lost as a whole, but also gestures towards Milton's original intention of a national epic.

Here's the rough research plan:

• Genesis B: examination of how this characterization was based on Anglo-Saxon folklore, and how Milton appropriates it
• Medieval morality plays (Mankind, Everyman, Mary Magdalen) ---> Elizabethan Drama: how folkloric representation of Satan is forwarded mainly through dramatic representation , http://www.archive.org/stream/elizabethandram06schegoog/elizabethandram06schegoog_djvu.txt,  http://scholarship.rollins.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1027&context=mls
  
• How polemics of the 1600s used the folkloric image of the devil to appeal to the people