Teachers should have a device on their desk with pre-recorded messages

One of my favorite blogs is Rants from Mommyland. I am not a mother, however, the stories about their kids, their lives and the schmidt (to borrow one of their phrases) that they deal with on a day to day basis is just hysterical, or depending on the day, heart-breaking.
The other day they posted this, http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2012/01/things-i-never-want-to-say-again.html and since it's the end of the semester, couldn't help but think of the things teachers say FOUR MILLION TIMES a day, but particularly at the end of the semester. This led me to the absolutely insane conversations I have.

• Yes, this assignment counts
• Stop texting during class (followed by "give me your phone". Often responded to by "But it's my mom")
• Don't call people "faggot"
• Don't call people "retard"
• Yes, you should copy the board notes 
• Don't talk when directions are being given
• Yes, you needed your notebook for class
• And the book we're reading in class
• And a writing utensil
• And the work that was due today

Student: Did you get the email I sent you?
Me: Let me explain the concept of email, if you sent it, I got it. (followed by, check your sent mail)

Student: Why don't I have a grade for this essay?
Me: Did you turn it in?
Student: No.
Me: ?????

Student: Can you repeat those directions?
Me: The ones I just spent 20 minutes going over? That you didn't hear because you were talking?

Student: I don't understand why I'm failing
Me: On your missing task list, do you see the tests you failed that you didn't retake?
Student: Yes
Me: And those low/failing/missing essay grades?
Student: Yes
Me: And your failing notebook grade because it was blank?
Student: Yes
Me: Did you ever come to after school tutoring or Saturday school?
Student: No
Me: So, what exactly is the point of confusion?