Ending the 2017-2018 School Year

Tomorrow begins the last week of school for me.
Two days of exams, then a day of make up exams and that's it. Another school year in the books, my seventeenth as a teacher, and the beginning of summer.

This year was hard for lots of reasons. I spent the fall finishing final revisions on the dissertation from hell, defended in October, and graduated in December. I went on the job market again, and balanced all of this with teaching high school full time, starting a Saturday school program, chairing the instructional council, and creating and serving on my school's school improvement plan. I wrote a book chapter. Presented at three conferences. Edited a book for Material Collective.

Until someone posted it online this past week, it had not occurred to me that maybe part of my exhaustion this semester, particularly these last couple of weeks, was due to all this. The fact that I had not taken a single break, and was just totally run down.
But I am. I am exhausted.

I applied for 40+ jobs in higher ed this year. I got a phone interview that I never heard back from. A phone interview that turned into a campus visit and a phone interview that set a new landspeed record for invite to campus interview.
As of today, I hold no illusions about any of these bearing fruit.
Initial good feelings, that turned into nothing, have made me feel that I have no barometer for how all this turns out. I am obviously no judge of any of this.

I am exhausted just contemplating revising job market documents, my website, in two months. I wonder what the point is. Nothing will be different except I've graduated. My references will begin to be stale. I will not have new college classes to teach, in fact, it will be over a year since I taught a college class. I will have no new publications. People keeping telling me that just being graduated will make a difference. That there's no telling what new "fits" the new job market ads will bring.

I am finding it harder and harder to care.

This year I mostly just applied to jobs I thought would be a good fit. Mostly in the south, where I knew cost of living was reasonable. A couple of California community colleges I was really excited about but am ultimately glad I didn't get because I couldn't afford to live there. Most were SLACs and community colleges because I want to focus on teaching. Some I was excited about- but nothing came of my excitement. My enthusiasm.
Nobody wanted me.

And as Kelly Baker writes in Grace Period, grief, mourning for the academic life not lived, comes in stages.

By March I thought I had resigned myself to living a life as a high school teacher, which to be clear, I love, even if I'm not super happy at the moment.
But then there were late job postings, a couple that I got really excited about. Only to be disappointed all over again when I didn't make the cut.
And as most people have talked about ad nauseum, there's never any clue as to why.

Now, as the year comes to a close, rather than having a clear idea of what my life will be like, I find myself not knowing. I almost think any answer is better than none. At this point, even if it's rejection, which I am sure it is, I rather just know. Be done. Have it over

In the movie G.I Jane, when false accusations get made against her, they tell her that her training has been suspended, and she can always try again next year. And her answer is, "I can't go through this shit again." And man, do I feel that.
Maybe it's because I'm exhausted.
Maybe I will feel better after a summer of Nehi, and working on my own schedule. And resting.
Maybe not.
In fact, I'm leaning towards not.

Because it's been months since defense, and graduation. And I have three or four articles in various stages in notebooks and on my computer, in various stages of work, and I just can't seem to care about any of it. I just do not see the point.

And platitudes from people to keep going seem hollow. Out of touch.
And still, I cannot seem to care.

I have a job at my high school for next year, and I've pulled out of most responsibilities mostly because I am exhausted and because I'd like a year to focus on my classroom. I've volunteered for a program that's independent study for at-risk students, and will probably be a part of our freshman academy, as well as continuing my Saturday school program. All come with small stipends, which I'm hoping will help with student loan payments which frankly, make me really nervous. I can't seem to play catch up with my finances, and I'm worried about drowning. My take home is half of my gross, and it's one of the reasons why I'm considering moving to another state to teach high school. Even if I made the same salary I'd be taking home more.

Other than all this, my students had a good year. I designed my English 10 and 11 classes around the idea of "hidden figures," trying to teach stories and histories that the students rarely learned in school, and based on their end of year reflections, this really resonated with them. They liked the routines and designs of class, what we read, and the assignments we did. In my AP Language classes, I built on this idea and designed our readings and assignments around race and class issues. We read Evicted, The Jungle, 1984, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. When we read shorter pieces like excerpts from Ta-Nehisi Coates' We Were Eight Years in Power, Federalist #42, the Constitution, specifically the 13th amendment, we looked at each of these through those lenses, which students really liked, and related to. I'm moving some things around next year, but I'm keeping and reinforcing these themes.
Most of my students said my class was a safe space and I was there to help, so I'm happy about that.

This year I introduced these ideas, and the ideas of daybooks/bullet journals to my class, and I want to build on that.
Next year too, I've plans for expanding Saturday school, which was my school's most successful intervention, and I'm proud of that.

Working through all this limbo this year, I have split time, especially this semester, by both preparing for the best situation I can be in at my current high school and imagining what it would be like to have a higher ed job.

At this point, I'd just like to know what I was doing. I'm done with being in limbo. I'm done with not living the life I want.
As I often do when I feel like this, I Googled high school teaching jobs in the Pacific Northwest. The tribal school I have long wanted to teach at has an opening.
For over a decade I have had a map of the Pacific Northwest on the wall as inspiration. Images of the coast, the forest, have been screensavers, in notebooks, served as centers, dreams.

Is this a sign? Should I just stop waiting for other people to decide my life and go? Apply and screw the rest?
I have to admit, I'm soured on Albuquerque. It has not ended up being good to me, and as much as I liked it here at first, I think I'm ready for a new start.

Certainly the prospect of a new life looks good.
I mean, this is one of the views.

Lots of green. Nice cost of living. Small, community school.
It's a life that has no scholarly obligations. No conferences. No out of pocket expenses. A quiet life, being part of a community, and living my life. Nothing else. Pretty much a life that encourages checking out.

And how much money would I save with no conferences to attend? No scholarly books to keep up with?

I have one scholarly obligation- to revise the dissertation into a book, but that's it. Once that's done, it's done. My life is my own. Just me, Nehi, and miles of Pacific Ocean to explore.

And I think this may be what I want.

My scholarship is important. It's new. It's different. I think it could contribute to new directions. But I see other people getting notice, getting traction, and not me. So I'm not really sure why I keep doing it. It's nice to see friends at conferences, but I return home with nothing except more credit card debt. A series of ideas I write down, but know I will not follow through on because I have no reason to. There is literally no incentive to.
My participation in online academic networks just doesn't seem worth it. On days where I don't, weeks I check out, miss conversations, no one notices. Nothing happens. My world keeps rolling.

But because this HAS been my dream job for ten years, it's not one to trifle with. It's not a job I could apply to and change my mind.

The past couple of weeks, hell, months, I've felt like I'm just stumbling from one thing to another. SAA, DePaul pop culture conference, Kzoo, phone interviews, campus interviews, National Board renewal. And the looming deadlines of reemployment at my high school, renewing my lease, trying to make plans where there are so many variables.
Like standing at a crossroads. And boy am I tired of using this image.

For now, I just have three more days to get through.
The next week or month may bring big decisions, life altering decisions.
But for now, it's a quiet Sunday, with nothing to do, the first in months I've had.
Then it's finishing the school year, saying goodbye to this year's students.

Time enough to think about what I want my life to be.
I think it may be green and by the ocean though.
Nehi says I did promise her a yard with grass.