I Survived My First Semester

It is hard to believe that my first semester as an assistant professor is almost done. Today and tomorrow are the last days before the students have break, then they come back and Monday and Tuesday are the last days of class before reading day and final exams.

Overall I would say it's been a really good semester although there has been a very steep learning curve for a variety of reasons. Before the semester started I was asked to be program coordinator and to teach 5 classes instead of 4 because of last minute adjunct issues. The program coordinator thing was a big deal mostly because it's schedule and assessment, two very big things. I do like doing it though because I get to work with students, listen to things they need and help.
For the last two months I've covered a 6th class when a professor had to be out.

There are things I REALLY, REALLY like about my job. I like advising students. I like running the FAST Fund. I LOVE teaching my classes (all of them). I also like running the department Twitter account.

I struggle with the things I have always struggled with, misreading or not reading social cues, inadvertently stepping on toes, anything political. I also really struggle with people using deficit language or not being engaged in teaching, or seeing their students.

I think I've done okay with managing my time, although the constant required trainings that were never scheduled far in advance made some weeks more hectic than others. I think I just have one more day in January and then I think I'm done. There has been a lot of service- composition committee, textbook committee, assessment, GE, recruitment (department and uni) which is a little overwhelming.

Because I've been so busy I've tried to take time when I have it. I'm really glad that I got both chapters I had in the pipeline off before the semester because honestly I haven't had the energy to do any work. I did have an epiphany that with my school's tenure requirements (a book OR 3 articles), and my position (as a generalist), I have a bit of freedom. I purposely did not sign up for any conferences this year because I knew the learning curve would be steep but honestly, after the dumpster fires of just about every conference in my field, I'm happy to not. I may try to work out a local MLA to take students, and maybe a PCA in the future, but that may be it. Also, IF the two book chapters I have forthcoming don't count (the language is odd) then I feel really confident about getting 3 articles out. I'm working on one about Guthlac, another about the tv shows Evil and The Exorcist, which is really the next step from one of the book chapters I did, and I'm secure I can come up with another idea. I'd like to get all three done/submitted by May, so IF they're not accepted I have time- because remember these are not the requirements for my 3 year but tenure.

But here's the epiphany I had- I spent both dissertations and my rejected book trying to write what others wanted. *I* want to work on how folkloric figures in literature and popular culture are used as vehicles for fears, anxieties, and desires and what work these figures DO. In fact, all my published work does exactly that. And this was my epiphany- I have my PhD. I have a job. I can be any kind of scholar I want. I've struggled with certain types of writing because it's been me trying to round peg square hole. But I don't have any reason to do that any more. I can write and submit the work I want. I can write the book I want. I can publish practical stuff on teaching.

So I redesigned my teaching portfolio around this idea, which was fun. It's certainly made me excited about projects to get started on.

I am still learning my way around and how to navigate some things. I sent a survey out to find out why students weren't coming to class so I could help, and many saw it as a dig, so that was a misstep. A lot of students call me Ms. or Mom or in one case Momma which is a whole bag of gendered, complicated stuff. On one hand I think part is that teachers get called Ms. and in the South people get called Miss and first name, and first gen students maybe don't realize their professors are different from their K-12 teachers. On another, I know the title of "school mom" is one of respect, and shows that they know I support them, help them out, and am there for them.

But I can understand all this and not like it. On my part this is not a power play thing, most of my students call me Karra or Dr.K.It's a really serious gender stereotype thing. I can understand the cultural compliment and still resent the fact that my hard work, the research, the time, I put into providing this environment is erased because my behavior and actions are expected. There's also the very complicated situation of assuming a woman of 43 wants to be a mother, and/or making judgments on them if they are not. I think it's actually REALLY important for students to see a variety of mentors and professors as role models in ways that maybe challenge their expectations.

I think that a female mentor and professor who is nurturing, and cares, has the immense work it takes to do this erased by calling her mom. I think calling a professor mom (and to be clear, male professors are not called dad) assumes that they are caring and supportive because of their gender, which also works in reverse- if someone feels a female professor is not nurturing and supportive they are "cold" and "unfeeling" because they're being judged against a gender stereotype. I've had evaluations where I was judged exactly this, where students have told me I don't look, dress, or act like a professor should.

I also really resent that female academics everywhere have to do all this extra work that our male counterparts do not.

I also know that me pushing back on this has to be done calmly and in a certain way to avoid being told to "calm down" that "it's not that serious" or that I'm being hysterical and that there's a good chance I'll still be told all those things.

And yet, except for finally telling one male student no, you cannot call me "Momma" I am unsure on how to address this with the students, who are majors, and who I like. I know they mean it as a compliment. I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I am teaching a gender and lit course in the spring, and they are going to take the implicit bias test for gender the first day, so I thought about in my intro talking about MY personal experiences and see if that does it without students feelings called out.

I do feel like I expected things to all be easier because I have been teaching for almost 20 years, and I was tripped up by things as simple, and complicated, as how I'd lesson plan or take attendance. I finally found something that worked, but it took a while. I spent so long in school systems that dictated formats that not having any meant really thinking about why I did the things I did and what I wanted to do.

I have been really happy with the grade conferences and have pushed it further for next semester. This semester composition classes had 75% of their grade as low stakes assignments and class activities, so a guaranteed "C" if they came to class and did the work with their three major writing assignments and writing portfolio as 25% of their grade. This still ended up feeling like policing, students who missed class and then had to make up things. So instead, next semester I will still design class assignments that scaffold skills and help build toward the big stuff but it won't be graded. The three major assignments and writing portfolio will each be 25% and we'll still grade conference on them.
For the upper level major courses I'm taking it even further- students will keep writer's notebooks for class, and I'll model activities and things to prep and share for class. But no graded assignments. Instead, we will grade conference at midterms and finals and they will use these notebooks to show to me what progress they've made on answering essential questions for the class, and use that to argue for grades to be posted.

I think too spring should be easier because I'm just teaching my 4 classes and a History of the English Language independent study, which has turned into a small (4 students) tutorial, which I'm also very excited about. My onboarding/new person training should be over, and while I may have more service stuff, my schedule should be better, and there should not be as steep a learning curve.

There are a few things I've learned this first semester.

1. If you have unexpected time off, take it.
2. Cut yourself slack because it all IS a big learning curve.
3. Me having a precise, everything scheduled, way really helped.
4. My moves to be kind, trust students, and stop policing are the best I've ever made. Pretty much if it was anything a student thought they have to justify to me I don't do it.
5. I should really stop doing extra work.

So, I think all in all it's been a good first semester. I am looking forward to the break because being "on" all the time IS exhausting. I am really looking forward to the spring.