New Amsterdam had an episode in Season Two where Iggy, the psychiatrist, played by Tyler Labine, has the realization that he has made it so his patients, most of them teens, do well with him, connect with him personally, but that this "cult of personality" approach does not ensure that they are successful out in the world with others. That in fact it is a huge hinderence.
I think about this a lot.
I am not an extrovert. I don't like people. I hate social situations and avoid them at all costs. But I love teaching. I love my students. I love sharing information, and hearing their ideas, and seeing their work. I've now been teaching for twenty years (how did that happen, how has it been that long?) and while there are many teaching adjacent things I struggle with and battle, and that make me miserable, the teaching part of it never has.
But because I am not an extrovert, I have over the years used, adapted, mimicked a bunch of different things in order to BE a teacher. At first I imitated the teachers that impacted ME the most. Then I realized they were pretty toxic, misogynistic models. Then I tried to put on a performance, act. Most will teachers I think will tell you there is a performative aspect to teaching. To entertain, engage, present yourself.
But when I was teaching high school in Albuquerque I realized that I didn't need to do any of that. That I could just be me. Part of this was because the older I got the more comfortable I felt being me but honestly, it had more to do with what I saw reflected in my students. They read for me, worked for me, but more and more I was starting to see them come to me to complain about other work, other teachers, and it didn't feel like I'd given them tools to succeed, it felt like I'd set up an "us versus them" dichotomy that was hampering how they did in other classes and situations.
So I backed off. I consciously build lessons around me NOT performing. It helped during this time that I learned about and started to implement station rotations and more choice in my classroom. My role shifted more to guidance than lecturing, students were asked questions, but had to figure out more answers on their own. I had more energy to help one on one because it wasn't being eaten up by all this other stuff. I started reframing how I answered things, trying to provide a broad overview, reasons, and then let students advocate for themselves.
It worked out really well for them and me.
But I've noticed in my two years in my new job that when I am anxious, or upset, that the performative behavior in the classroom becomes my default, the known. All exacerbated by masks the last year, and the feeling I need to do MORE.
It can be hard because I am the program coordinator, and students do come to me with larger issues. Issues I need to know about so I can talk to the department chair but also consider when scheduling. And while I've had conversations with students about not assuming mothering gender roles of their women professors, many see me as a mentor. Sometimes they just need to vent. Sometimes they have problems that need solutions. And it's hard to navigate sometimes. I rather not hear about what X professor did that I find personally unethical or just mean. But what do I do once I have? I try to speak in generalities, and get the students to advocate for themselves in ways that will be non-confrontational and help, but sometimes I just wanna say "that's a shitty thing to do and no one should be treated like that."
On one hand, the last year has lessened a lot of this, students no longer just drop by and sit in my office and chat, so if they have an issue, it's conveyed through email, so there's a difference. I'm sure once we return to being on campus all the time I'll continue to have to find a way to thread the needle.
In class, one strength I have is I know my material, so offhand or tangent questions get answered. And because I'm me, I am enthusiastic about explaining things through poorly drawn stick figures on the whiteboard. But it's also a trap that lends itself to being overly performative. I caught myself doing it last week in my Shakespeare class.
Which is why I've been thinking all week about that Iggy storyline and the cult of personality.
I think part of my struggle is it is hard for me to understand on a fundamental level that I, just me, not acting, not performing, just me, is enough as a teacher.
I also think that kind of model of a teacher was never one I had, so there is nothing for me to mimic or copy as a way to feel like I know what I'm doing.
One of the biggest lies baby teachers get taught is to develop a teaching persona. I have spent years trying to unlearn this. We serve our students best when we are our authentic, truthful selves.
I know in my head that especially in a global pandemic, with so many other stressors, that I will do better, be less exhausted, have more focus and energy if I can stop doing the unnecessary and just focus on what is enough. I know in my head that the energy I put into trying to be MORE should be an easy thing to stop doing, and thus provide more energy for all the other things. But it is hard to unlearn things, even harmful things, especially when they are familiar, and you've used them as a support for so long.
But I am tired. And I want my students to do better, with everyone. So I will try to do better. Then I'll keep trying.
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